My dearest,
It’s 3:37 a.m. and my mind won’t rest. I am here in bed, in the dark. The light of my phone screen illuminated my face and I cannot even see the walls from how dark it is. I cannot be scared when the thought of you fills my mind. So thank you, thank you thank you.
I haven’t been able to rest since last I spoke to you. I move my lips and picture just how you would respond. It makes me feel so insane, yet you know I know you so well that I can almost hear word for word how you respond. I feel you move around me as you talk, I feel your breath as words come out of your mouth. How sweet it is to have someone so vividly in my mind.
I’m writing to you now because I have so much to say. My sleep does not come and I know it’s destroying me. I know how much I hurt myself by not being able to close my eyes and let my body, mind, and emotions reset. I destroy myself slightly more every night, but my mind does not care for the reset. Do I want to destroy myself so much? I do not know the answer to this question, or maybe I fear the truth of the answer.
I wonder what you would say, how mad you would be, if you would be confused or if you would work hard to understand. I think you would not let confusion get you upset. I always appreciated how much kindness you would show. I always felt so inadequate with how much you cared for me and yet how much I felt I could not properly show how much I cared for you. I wonder if that’s why these letters are our only form of communication between us. Will you read this, will you respond? Do you still care enough to respond? Are you real? I cannot even bring my mind to remember if you are out there.
But the sandman has started to whisper in my ear. My eyelids are feeling low and heavy. I do not want the dream to begins because it would never match the greatness of you. It’s 3:54 a.m. I have not really written much, but at the same time, it is enough for you to know where my mind is. I drew tonight, the entire time wishing I had been drawing you, my muse, my reason, the dream girl so great that I could never have dreamt you up. I thank you for being in my life. I thank you for keeping the sweetness in my life that brings me such calm that I can finally sleep. Good night and sweetest dreams.
Yours always,
J
