October 20, 2020
Dearest,I lie in bed these sleepless nights with thoughts of you going through my head. There are few moments when you do not dominate my thought process. What can I say to make you come back. These notes I write and send with hope that I hear back are wearing me thin. I know you receive them because they do not come back to me. So I will continue to write because as I write to you I feel you and the moments I spend with you are the ones I cherish the most.
I drive myself made pacing around day after day trying to keep myself from writing more and more to you. There is so much I want you to know, but I do not want to interfere in your happiness more than I already do. I want nothing but the upmost happiness for you – I understand that I am not included in that happiness no matter how much I wish I was. So I will walk and wear out my socks on the wood floor of my house as I annoy the ghosts that I’ve around me, until I join them. How long would it take for someone to notice I am gone. Would you notice I am gone?
There is beauty in my memory and I revisit my past much more than many would consider healthy. I live with one foot in the present, one foot in the past, and a fleeting glance to the future that is murky. I do not know if you are there...in my future. I want you to be. I ask the universe to slip you into my future and keep our paths crossing as they have time and time again. This life is wild. This life is free. I just cling to the hope of a home, a home I can be let into. A home that you know. A home with ghosts, but our ghosts. Ghosts that are not as scary because we can face them together.
This is one of the darkest love letters I have written in awhile. I have not lost hope, but I can feel it slipping. Still,I hope this is a true love letter...an honest one as well. I hope you know that as I say I LOVE YOU, there is no need for a response. Life is peachy that way. You go along being the beauty in this world. Know that you make life better. I hope you are still out there, that is the hope I hold on to the hardest.
Yours Always,
J
