Dearest,
I haven’t written in awhile and it’s not because I have forgotten you, it’s more that I don’t feel I deserve you. I don’t feel I deserve your time, I don’t feel I deserve your effort, I just don’t feel any of it is of worth. I just cannot bring myself to waste any more of your time. You may not hear from me in awhile or as often.
Many times I feel like I’m not seen, even worse that my contributions are overlooked. No matter how much I do, the one thing I do not do is what takes the spotlight. It is surprising how much writing that just hurt. It is surprising how much writing that makes tears swell up in my eyes. I am a ghost. I walk around and I’m not seen. My hard work is not acknowledged. That is fine. I am just use to it. I just continue on. Fake being okay. Repress the pain. Continue on. Day after miserable day. Until one day it stops. It’s frightful how that thought brings relief. Maybe that is a bit painful as well. But I should be use to it right. It is my life story after all. It is what I do. It is what I have done. I just do everything I possibly can and then sit on my bed late at night and cry to myself. I am not proud. I am not happy. I live in this discontent. I’ll just keep on working. Keep my head down. Drone on. Maybe that’s what I need. I need to be oblivious, naive, stupid. Ignorance is bliss. Does it matter? Who cares. Today I’ll just move on. Keep going. Survive for another day.
Yours always,
J
